A scene for three men.
R crosses to table with a coffee cup, sits down with S & T who also have cups of coffee
S: Dude. There you are.
R: Dude. Sorry I’m late.
T It’s good to see you, man.
R: Yeah, you too, both of you. (greetings, shake hands/fist bump whatever)
S: It’s been a while. I thought Maria wasn’t gonna’ let you hang with us.
T: Ha.
R: Ha ha. Yeah, whatever. You know what it’s like. When you were with Jen we never saw you.
T: So true.
S: Women. (they all laugh)
T: I’m psyched to see the movie with you guys!
R: Oh, man, it’s gonna be lit!
S: Yeah, and we saw the first one together, it is so dope that we’re seeing the sequel to-ge-ther!
R: Yaaaassssss.
S: The special effects…!
R: Yaaaasssss. (makes a sound effect, they all join in and laugh)
T: After maybe we can get a burger.
R: Cool. I’m hungry.
T: You’re always hungry.
Pause. They all take a drink of their coffee.
S: …. is a burger… a sandwich? Yes or no?
R: What? No.
T: Yeah, what are you talking about?
S: Important philosophical question – is a burger a sandwich?
R: No. No.
S: No, right?
R: No. (they both look at T)
T: Totally NO.
S: Yes!
R: Of course not.
T: Oh my god.
S: I know, right?
R: Dude.
T: Ok, what about a hot dog?
S: A hot dog?
T: Yeah.
R: A hot dog a sandwich?
T: Right – it has a bun, and meat…
S: No. No. No.
R: No.
S: No. A hot dog is not a sandwich.
T: No, right?
R: No. No way.
S: It’s a hot dog. It’s just a hot dog.
T: Right. Burger. Hot dog. Not sandwiches.
S: No.
R: No.
(pause)
S: What about pulled pork?
T: What?
R: Pulled….
S: You know – pulled pork – it’s got a bun
T: …and meat…
R: …well… don’t you call it a “pulled pork sandwich?”
S: Yes!
T: Hmmmmm
R: Well then…. (long pause, proclamation) it’s a sandwich!
S: Right!
T: Ok. Ok. I’ll go with that. But not a hotdog.
S: No. Absolutely not. And NOT a hamburger.
T: No way. (pause) I’m hungry.
Pause, they all drink their coffee.
R: You guys are funny.
T: (laughing) … yeah.
S: … what do you mean?
R: I mean… hot dogs. Hamburgers. You know.
T: (laughing) … yeah.
S: … no, I don’t know. What are you saying?
R: I’m just saying… you know… you can just talk about nothing… (laughs)
S: …nothing?
R: I mean you could debate for like an hour about whether a hamburger is a sandwich…
T: Well… you were talking…
R: Yeah, but I mean…
S: But we were in agreement. There was no debate. It’s obvious. Not sandwiches.
R: Yeah, but it’s just so… vapid…
S: VAPID?
T: …vapid?
R: Yeah, you know, empty. Like, no content.
T: Wow, nice vocab word. Where’d you get that one? Hangin’ out with Maria?
R: Hey.
S (to T) Vapid means insipid.
T: Insipid? Woah dude, those are hundred-dollar words! (takes out phone)
S: Hey, I did good on the SAT.
R: It does not mean “insipid.”
S: Yes, it does.
R: It means empty.
S: Not empty.
T: (has taken out his phone and looked up vapid on dictionary.com. Reading) “Vapid: offering nothing that is stimulating or challenging.” (Looks at R) Ouch.
R: Ha! See? “Empty.”
T: (reading) “Synonyms: insipid.” (shows R on phone, then puts phone away)
R: What?! (looks at T’s phone)
S: Ha!
R: Shit!
S: BOOM!
T: Nice.
S: Right?!
R: Ok.
T: So, what do you mean…?
R: I mean, you guys just…
T: …talk about nothing?
S: Oh, are you so used to talking about big ideas with Maria now or what?
R: Yeah. Well, I mean not big ideas, but…
T: What?
R: You know…. we talk.
S: You talk.
R: Yes.
T: Ok, what do you talk about?
R: You know… things. Like, not about sandwiches and shit.
S: Ok, what do you talk about?
T: Yeah.
R: I don’t know.
S: Yeah, you talk.
T: Come-on.
R: No, we do, ok? We talk about… about current events…
S: Current events?!
R: Yes. And… and our feelings about things… and… and… ethics!
T: Feelings?
S: Ethics?
R: Yes, ethics.
T: What the hell, man? Ethics?
R: Yes.
S: So, what are you saying?
R: … I don’t know.
S: Yes you do.
R: I don’t know man, I don’t know. You know, you guys are funny, but… like you know, sometimes you gotta’ …go deeper.
S: oh.
T: Hm. We’re not deep.
R: You know what, maybe this wasn’t a good idea.
T: Wow.
R: I don’t know. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe it’s just not… I don’t know. (he stands up)
T: Man, are you leaving? Before the movie?
S: Seriously now?
R: I don’t know. I gotta…. I gotta go. (He exits)
T: Wow.
S: What? Can you believe that?
T: Not really. (pause) Wow.
S: Yeah. (pause. They drink their coffee)
T: Feelings? Ethics?!
S: Yeah.
T: And current events?
S: Yeah… (pause) Oh, hey, did you hear about that celebrity who cloned her dog?
T: Oh my god, yes. (pause)
S: What do you think of that?
T: Wrong.
S: Wrong, right?
T: Yes, wrong. Totally wrong.
S: Right.
T: There are too many dogs in the world that need a home.
S: Seriously.
T: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my dog.
S: I know.
T: I mean, I really love my dog, I don’t know what I would do if… (he gets a little choked up)
S: I know. It’s ok, man. (he puts his hand on his shoulder)
T: Thanks. But don’t let me ever do some kind of cloning shit if he ever… when he… (emotional)
S: I won’t.
T: Good. I mean it’s just not right.
S: I agree. Just get a new dog.
T: Yes. Well, not right away.
S: No, of course not. You have to mourn.
T: Yes, mourn first. A period of mourning. Then you can get a new dog.
S: Yes.
T: But not a clone.
S: No. (pause) So…. you wanna’ get a burger?
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